6


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I have too many preconceived notions about myself…like, I think I am very strong on my vows and promises but then…the philosophical me rebels…I take a vow, think life is too short, suffer from existential crisis, rationalise with myself, giving all kinds of justifications and result, evaporation of a promise forever…

Let’s cut long story short … I thought I won’t complete my novella and end it “hence and for all” but then it’s me…hub of all restless-random thoughts…and to get them out of my system I have to write…

So today, I was thinking about him, dreamt him, wrote him twice in a fit of passion and wanted to write him again but thought, that would be too much for him to take in a day…so, I have written a letter to him, you might also get a glimpse of what all idiotic stuff I have in my never-resting mind & what all I would like to share with him…

So here it is…

“Dear You,

I sometimes feel very lonely. Feel as if everyone is turning into rhinoceros. My own friends with whom I thought, I share my ideology, my principles, are getting sucked into this social viral. The Show off, propaganda about your own self, your brother/sister, your achievements… it is becoming too much. You know, I believed, these are the people who would resist, defy, protest against this established culture of social media using its own dominant narratives. But, now I feel as if they are already part of the dominant. It’s difficult for me to relate to them. I feel alone with no one to talk to and no one to understand what’s going on inside me. I cannot share my feelings with anyone…no one…

Then, I feel I might be same…like all… like one of their clones…may be I behave the same without realising it. But, then why am I so disgusted ?  Am I a hypocrite ?

I write to you because I feel your presence in your absence. I cannot deny I take pleasure in your absence as there are no boundaries and limitations of imagination. If you were present, there would have been many. You give me happiness and then I feel at least something is right in this world… I sometimes feel as if you have gone through this or you think the same…or may be it is just me hallucinating…

I agree, what you must be thinking and what you have told me multiple times, that you are not what I think you are, but then why should I imagine reality, it is right there in front of me, nothing left for a creative mind, to think, to ponder. However, imagination let’s me discover you, explore you, undefine-define you in an indefinite manner. I have discovered myself through you… still discovering… still exploring…

You must be thinking with that cynical smile of yours , one day I will get tired of everything and leave you… this distance… your absence…we, not meeting ever, might force me to leave you … but, then baby, no one let go their happiness… if it has not happened in an year, it might not happen ever…or may be after ten years we pass over each other without realising who we are, were, but, still pondering over imagined selves of each other…

love you…as always…

From Me- the persistent”

(Part 6 ends…)

(I will be publishing this in series, I do not have patience to write in one go neither do I have courage not to publish this after I have written something 😉 )  

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