I miss his presence in my life… Those mesmerising moments when he was there… When he acknowledged my existence… When I waited for his message for the whole day. Sometimes he replied while other times made me irritated by not doing anything… Throughout the day I waited for his message, drunk on him, totally high, often getting distracted during conversations, lost in my own fantasyland… During night when he replied it felt as if I might just faint with excitement…
I have tried to hate him…to be hypocrite and find faults in him…to blame him for everything…to dislike him…but, failed.
Why do I have these unexplained ambiguous feelings when at one moment, I feel exhilarated seeing him so happy, travelling, at last with women but, at another moment, sad, unhappy and jealous, cursing him for enjoying himself? Deep down I am all excited watching him in an alien land but then why do I have these conflicting, opposite emotions which cannot be rationalised ?
I still don’t know what I wanted from him ? I am still unsure what I want from him now ? He knows and even I know very clearly there is/was no conventional union ever possible, I do not even desire that ? Then what do I desire ? What I wanted from him ? What I want from him ? Is it as simple as that I got addicted to him as he could give me a high orgasmic pleasure or undefinable as his recurring presence in my dreams ?
I am still in search of answers… Many answers…
(Part 10 ends…)
(I will be publishing this in series, I do not have patience to write in one go neither do I have courage not to publish this after I have written something 😉 )