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toxic 2_37

Going back 9-10 years, was the time when I had left the tag of a clairvoyant and carrier of these symbolic dreams… After reducing me to an individual who was scared of her own dreams, one day this power was taken away from me…. You can’t imagine how disturbing this had been… There are certain powers which no one wants…Atleast not me…

Back then while in school, I used to get these disturbing -depressing-dark-recurring -dreams in which some building was collapsing, some unconstructed houses, women in white… I had gotten up from these dreams in a very helpless, disturbed state… Every time I had these dreams, someone died… The power to feel death is never pleasant…It leaves you helpless…You don’t know whose turn is now, your closed one or one of your distant relative… However, death was certain… It was also the time, the atheist in me just prayed for peace and avoidance of any impending death…

I tried to find reasons for this…I was disturbed…Scared to death…My mother too got scared of me… Actually in a matter of 2-3 years many people in my family passed away and everytime I had to go through these series of depresssions…I was the one who would get a dream, narrate it and then praying that this time no one should die !

During this time, I started taking interest in every kind of future-telling medium …  Whether it was Cheiro’s palmistry, numerology, astrology, tarot reading, sun-zodiac signs… everything… But, do be very frank, I could not find solace in anything…  There wasn’t any belief which was coming from inside for these things… I started meditating & all and deduced that I might be just a medium who has to inform others about what has to happen, I can’t stop it, there isn’t point in me getting all perplexed and perturbed about all these dreams… If someone has to die, He/she will die , I won’t be able to stop it and hence, there isn’t any reason for me to be tensed… That thought and mindset actually gave me peace and then one day, all this suddenly stopped.. I have been disturbed, depressed for days and months for my own weaknesses and ambitions in life, but, not for the fatal future of others….

I have been happy… Very happy for these changes in my life !

However, this month things have been happening which are dragging back to my past…. Some dreams have been very disturbing…  First dream, dead body of my father, sad, depressing atmosphere, feeling prevalent everywhere in our old house (Maximum of my dreams are about my old house where I was born and when it comes to these foretelling dreams, they specially happen there) and then next day P had an accident, it was a minor one and he wasn’t hurt but I kept on thinking about it… Of course, I just snubbed it as a coincidence…

Second dream, two days back, I had this dream of my under-constructed old house, falling bricks, walls… Grey, bleak, weird, negative air all around… I had a very disturbed sleep that night, I got up every hour of that night, trying to write something, failing, writing trash and fighting with people… I won’t deny I was very disturbed and this helplessness of not finding reason for my disturbance was making me more cranky… Throughout the next day, I spent the day with a hazy, disillusioned mind. I tried to mediate in the evening and sleep but got up with some weird noises. I woke up and went to corridor to find my maid crying inconsolably as her son-in-law expired. I can’t even describe, how bad I felt… Our maids live with us and we knew that her son-in-law is suffering from last stage of cancer but his unexpected death was beyond imagination as he was undergoing treatment…

Third dream, not a sad one but one of my recurring dreams I used to have, like more than 10 years back … Dream of flying… Where I can fly … Like with my own hands … Without wings… This was a recurring dream and I have felt this exhilarating, liberating experience of flying in my dreams… Then I was in a plane… I remember earlier I used to be always in a helicopter but this time in a plane with P sitting next to me…

Flying of course symbolises growth, achievements … my problem is not with this dream but with the shadow of the past which has brought more sadness than happiness…. Whether for good or bad, I do not want this power again !

Not in this lifetime at least !!!

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